I suggested to my husband that we purchase a Wii.
Whaaaaa?
That is so totally not like me.
Needless to say, I'm laying here on the couch watching my family set up their "mii's".
What the horkin-hayballs got into me?
*Updated to add that my husband is jokingly saying that he now needs to ice his shoulder because he hurt himself playing baseball on the Wii.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Weak
My husband pulled our daughter's tooth tonight.
And I passed out.
Well, not completely out. Just couldn't hear, my vision went black, knees were weak and I nearly puked.
I really don't know why it happens. I was blaming it on my pregnancy since the first two times this happened, I was early in the pregnancy.
The first time it happened was when she split her lip and her chin on the window sill. The second time occurred with the pulling of the first baby tooth. And now this.
My guess is that I am a serious weakling when it comes to my children bleeding.
This is ridiculous. What if something happens to one of them while my husband is at work? I can just see it, my daughter will have to call 911 for me because I passed out and hit my head.
I'm so weak.
I think I need to do some mind strengthening just in case.
And I passed out.
Well, not completely out. Just couldn't hear, my vision went black, knees were weak and I nearly puked.
I really don't know why it happens. I was blaming it on my pregnancy since the first two times this happened, I was early in the pregnancy.
The first time it happened was when she split her lip and her chin on the window sill. The second time occurred with the pulling of the first baby tooth. And now this.
My guess is that I am a serious weakling when it comes to my children bleeding.
This is ridiculous. What if something happens to one of them while my husband is at work? I can just see it, my daughter will have to call 911 for me because I passed out and hit my head.
I'm so weak.
I think I need to do some mind strengthening just in case.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Yep, it's the Thin Mints. My god I could eat those all day, everyday.
-------------------------------------
I had a dream last night that NASA randomly called me up and needed me on a mission. The entire thing was so bizarre.
My daughter just told me that she had a dream about red bees.
It must have been the night for weird dreams.
--------------------------------------
We are off to visit family in the south today. I am entirely not thrilled, but mainly because of the drive.
I made the executive decision that we would drive down today and return tomorrow evening. A decision that my husband was quick to agree with.
Sunday will be a lovely day. Nothing but laying around reading, drinking coffee and relaxing.
(Now that I've said that, it will probably be insanely busy. But, whatever.)
-------------------------------------
I had a dream last night that NASA randomly called me up and needed me on a mission. The entire thing was so bizarre.
My daughter just told me that she had a dream about red bees.
It must have been the night for weird dreams.
--------------------------------------
We are off to visit family in the south today. I am entirely not thrilled, but mainly because of the drive.
I made the executive decision that we would drive down today and return tomorrow evening. A decision that my husband was quick to agree with.
Sunday will be a lovely day. Nothing but laying around reading, drinking coffee and relaxing.
(Now that I've said that, it will probably be insanely busy. But, whatever.)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Death of Me
We often have 'junk' food in our house. The grandparents, especially my husband's mother, send us home with little goody bags all the time.
Having it doesn't mean that we eat it.
More often than not, I put the stuff in a drawer and forget about it until weeks, sometimes months pass.
Then, I just end up throwing it all away.
As a matter of fact, yesterday I just threw away Halloween candy.
We don't buy candy, cookies, etc. from the store. I rarely make cookies at home (just threw away a batch of chocolate chip cookies I made 4 weeks ago that were fermenting in the cookie jar).
However, there is one thing I cannot have in the house, lest I eat excessive quantities. And much to my chagrin, we have an abundance of this every thing in the house right now....
Guess which ones are my favorite?
Having it doesn't mean that we eat it.
More often than not, I put the stuff in a drawer and forget about it until weeks, sometimes months pass.
Then, I just end up throwing it all away.
As a matter of fact, yesterday I just threw away Halloween candy.
We don't buy candy, cookies, etc. from the store. I rarely make cookies at home (just threw away a batch of chocolate chip cookies I made 4 weeks ago that were fermenting in the cookie jar).
However, there is one thing I cannot have in the house, lest I eat excessive quantities. And much to my chagrin, we have an abundance of this every thing in the house right now....
Guess which ones are my favorite?
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Finally, my hCG count is negative. Apparently that means it is less than 10.
We've decided to wait until after my birthday (7/19) to try again. There are many reasons. Most of them sound stupid, except to me.
I listened to The President speak this evening. He said that he waited to make a statement about the AIG bonuses until he knew what he was talking about.
That's something we could all use to learn. Don't speak on a subject until you know what the hell you are talking about.
I think I'm in love with the man.
And now I'm going to sleep.
We've decided to wait until after my birthday (7/19) to try again. There are many reasons. Most of them sound stupid, except to me.
I listened to The President speak this evening. He said that he waited to make a statement about the AIG bonuses until he knew what he was talking about.
That's something we could all use to learn. Don't speak on a subject until you know what the hell you are talking about.
I think I'm in love with the man.
And now I'm going to sleep.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I feel surrounded by death right now. It is everywhere, even inside me.
I'm feeling crushed by the weight of everyone's mortality.
Today, I heard a story about a young child dying unexpectedly. I nearly had a panic attack.
This evening, I attended the calling hours of an acquaintance from high school. He was barely 30. He battled three separate, devastating cancers for 5 years. Each time he thought he had won his battle, another war was just beginning. I could barely make it through talking to his mother.
Tomorrow afternoon, my friend is going in to have surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid tumor. She waited so long to have it looked at and they fear it has now spread. I can't look her in the eye right now because I'm afraid of what I may see.
My dad's colon cancer has likely returned, only they can't find where it is. Knowing this rocks my very core.
My baby died for whatever reason two weeks ago. Technically, I gave birth some time this weekend to a child I will never know.
I think I just need time to get over all the bad stuff that has happened lately. One or two things at a time I can handle. But this is getting to be a little ridiculous.
Part of me wants to think about it and analyze what I am feeling. On the other hand sometimes I fear if I think about it I might collapse under the weight of it all.
Also, to add to my neurosis, sometimes I feel like I am jinxing myself with my fears. If I think about what something would be like, for example losing my husband or my children, I fear that by simply thinking about it I may bring it upon myself.
I've lived this way for all my life. I know it is irrational. But with all the horrible things happening right now, I feel like I should just put myself into a drug induced stupor for the time being.
I'm always the one to say "It will be alright. You can get through this."
I just need to remember that right now.
I'm feeling crushed by the weight of everyone's mortality.
Today, I heard a story about a young child dying unexpectedly. I nearly had a panic attack.
This evening, I attended the calling hours of an acquaintance from high school. He was barely 30. He battled three separate, devastating cancers for 5 years. Each time he thought he had won his battle, another war was just beginning. I could barely make it through talking to his mother.
Tomorrow afternoon, my friend is going in to have surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid tumor. She waited so long to have it looked at and they fear it has now spread. I can't look her in the eye right now because I'm afraid of what I may see.
My dad's colon cancer has likely returned, only they can't find where it is. Knowing this rocks my very core.
My baby died for whatever reason two weeks ago. Technically, I gave birth some time this weekend to a child I will never know.
I think I just need time to get over all the bad stuff that has happened lately. One or two things at a time I can handle. But this is getting to be a little ridiculous.
Part of me wants to think about it and analyze what I am feeling. On the other hand sometimes I fear if I think about it I might collapse under the weight of it all.
Also, to add to my neurosis, sometimes I feel like I am jinxing myself with my fears. If I think about what something would be like, for example losing my husband or my children, I fear that by simply thinking about it I may bring it upon myself.
I've lived this way for all my life. I know it is irrational. But with all the horrible things happening right now, I feel like I should just put myself into a drug induced stupor for the time being.
I'm always the one to say "It will be alright. You can get through this."
I just need to remember that right now.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Going Down on Me
It's official... My hCG was 95.
That's a huge drop since last Thursday and confirms that this pregnancy is over. And, as expected, it is a huge relief.
Now I can focus on my life again and start planning for the next attempt at our Trifecta. ;)
That's a huge drop since last Thursday and confirms that this pregnancy is over. And, as expected, it is a huge relief.
Now I can focus on my life again and start planning for the next attempt at our Trifecta. ;)
Some how, miraculously, my body (with the help of this fine medication), did it's job.
And today, I've stopped bleeding. Is it possible? It's been 19 days. I was fairly certain it would never end.
Now I can go back to worrying about important things, like the 72 loads of laundry in my basement. Or the dirty dishes from last week. Oh, and the bills that were due yesterday.
(*Really there's about 11 loads of laundry, dishes from Sunday, and the bills aren't due until today. I'm not THAT much of a slacker ;)
Perhaps I'll even do some school work today with my kids. Right now they are running around the house (narrowly avoiding the dust bunnies and dirty laundry), still in their jammies (yes, it's after 12), yelling "Friends forever never transform!" and blowing a train whistle.
That's educational right?
And today, I've stopped bleeding. Is it possible? It's been 19 days. I was fairly certain it would never end.
Now I can go back to worrying about important things, like the 72 loads of laundry in my basement. Or the dirty dishes from last week. Oh, and the bills that were due yesterday.
(*Really there's about 11 loads of laundry, dishes from Sunday, and the bills aren't due until today. I'm not THAT much of a slacker ;)
Perhaps I'll even do some school work today with my kids. Right now they are running around the house (narrowly avoiding the dust bunnies and dirty laundry), still in their jammies (yes, it's after 12), yelling "Friends forever never transform!" and blowing a train whistle.
That's educational right?
Friday, March 13, 2009
A Kick In The Nuts (Alternate Title: The Toxic Avenger Lives In My Uterus)
*I'm freaking tired of talking about my miscarriage. I feel like a whiny bitch. Really, I just want to get on with my life and stop bleeding like I've been stabbed in my girly parts.
**This is going to get graphic.
***You've been warned.
I had another blood draw yesterday to check my hCG levels.
Recap, for those just joining this story:
ER 2/27: 960
3/2: 914 (gestational sac measuring 4mm.)
3/5: 619
This afternoon, the doctor's office called.
Nurse: Melissa? This is Angela from Dr. Good Guy's office. Just wanted to let you know that your levels have dropped to 849 and you just have to come in next Thursday for another blood draw.
Me: Uhhhhhhh. Last week my level was 619. So, it's gone up. Now down.
Nurse: No, I'm looking though the lab results and see that .... Oh... Uh... Hmm.... Oooookay, let me call the doctor and call you right back.
Fan-freaking-tabulous.
10 minutes later:
Nurse: Dr. Good Guy wants you to come into the office as soon as you can.
Me: I'll be there within the hour.
(Nevermind that I had to take a shower because no self respecting woman is going to go the OB/GYN with girly bits that haven't been washed in the past 12 hours. Furthermore, I have to drive all the way downtown to pick my husband up from work so he could be with the kids since the last thing a 6 year old and 4 year old need to see is their mother splayed out on an exam table with... Well, you get the picture.)
Doctor Good Guy: I just can't get rid of you can I?
Me: No, I like to be difficult!
DGG: Wow. You're bleeding.
Me: Really? I hadn't noticed.
DGG: Let's take a look. (Insert ultrasound probe (that I absolutely DID NOT play with while waiting for the doctor. Nope not me.)) See, the sac is still there. It's sitting right on top of your cervix.
Me: It looks bigger than last week.
DGG: Nah, it's probably just the magnification. It's... well, yeah, it has nearly doubled since last week.
Me: Nah nah nah boo boo! I told you!! (OK, I didn't really do that, but I said it in my head.)
(Here it gets pretty ugly. You've been warned)
DGG pulls ultrasound probe out and blood goes spraying all over me, the exam table, the carpet and the doctor.
DGG: The nurses hate when I do that.
Me: Um... sorry?
DGG: It's ok. It happens.
Me: Yeah, but not to me. You're going to get tired of seeing me, you know?
DGG: No. You're refreshingly pleasent.
Me: Under the circumstances, I'll take that as a compliment!
The plan of action is as follows: I am to take misoprostol for the next 16 hours and hope that it promotes uterine contractions and expels the thing that is currently riding my cervix like a wild bronco.
On Monday morning, I am scheduled for an ultrasound and blood work. If the ultrasound still shows parasitic life chillin' in my ute, I will be taken right over to the hospital for a D&C.
According to my mother, I am repressing my emotions and will need psychiatric care after this is all said and done.
According to me, because, you know, I am pretty aware of myself, I am doing pretty well. Annoyed as shit that my uterus and cervix continue to revolt against me. Although, I should have figured that things wouldn't go smoothing since, for me, they rarely do.
Hopefully this will be relatively easy. I have a pretty busy weekend planned, although most everything can be postponed or skipped althougher.
If not, I'll deal. Because there really isn't any other option.
Either way, me, my misoprostol and my vicodin are going to be chillin' here on the couch.
**This is going to get graphic.
***You've been warned.
I had another blood draw yesterday to check my hCG levels.
Recap, for those just joining this story:
ER 2/27: 960
3/2: 914 (gestational sac measuring 4mm.)
3/5: 619
This afternoon, the doctor's office called.
Nurse: Melissa? This is Angela from Dr. Good Guy's office. Just wanted to let you know that your levels have dropped to 849 and you just have to come in next Thursday for another blood draw.
Me: Uhhhhhhh. Last week my level was 619. So, it's gone up. Now down.
Nurse: No, I'm looking though the lab results and see that .... Oh... Uh... Hmm.... Oooookay, let me call the doctor and call you right back.
Fan-freaking-tabulous.
10 minutes later:
Nurse: Dr. Good Guy wants you to come into the office as soon as you can.
Me: I'll be there within the hour.
(Nevermind that I had to take a shower because no self respecting woman is going to go the OB/GYN with girly bits that haven't been washed in the past 12 hours. Furthermore, I have to drive all the way downtown to pick my husband up from work so he could be with the kids since the last thing a 6 year old and 4 year old need to see is their mother splayed out on an exam table with... Well, you get the picture.)
Doctor Good Guy: I just can't get rid of you can I?
Me: No, I like to be difficult!
DGG: Wow. You're bleeding.
Me: Really? I hadn't noticed.
DGG: Let's take a look. (Insert ultrasound probe (that I absolutely DID NOT play with while waiting for the doctor. Nope not me.)) See, the sac is still there. It's sitting right on top of your cervix.
Me: It looks bigger than last week.
DGG: Nah, it's probably just the magnification. It's... well, yeah, it has nearly doubled since last week.
Me: Nah nah nah boo boo! I told you!! (OK, I didn't really do that, but I said it in my head.)
(Here it gets pretty ugly. You've been warned)
DGG pulls ultrasound probe out and blood goes spraying all over me, the exam table, the carpet and the doctor.
DGG: The nurses hate when I do that.
Me: Um... sorry?
DGG: It's ok. It happens.
Me: Yeah, but not to me. You're going to get tired of seeing me, you know?
DGG: No. You're refreshingly pleasent.
Me: Under the circumstances, I'll take that as a compliment!
The plan of action is as follows: I am to take misoprostol for the next 16 hours and hope that it promotes uterine contractions and expels the thing that is currently riding my cervix like a wild bronco.
On Monday morning, I am scheduled for an ultrasound and blood work. If the ultrasound still shows parasitic life chillin' in my ute, I will be taken right over to the hospital for a D&C.
According to my mother, I am repressing my emotions and will need psychiatric care after this is all said and done.
According to me, because, you know, I am pretty aware of myself, I am doing pretty well. Annoyed as shit that my uterus and cervix continue to revolt against me. Although, I should have figured that things wouldn't go smoothing since, for me, they rarely do.
Hopefully this will be relatively easy. I have a pretty busy weekend planned, although most everything can be postponed or skipped althougher.
If not, I'll deal. Because there really isn't any other option.
Either way, me, my misoprostol and my vicodin are going to be chillin' here on the couch.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
I had an experience this morning that has left me heartbroken and near tears most of the day.
My little guy was trying to play with some little girls, and one of them was so mean to him. Being that he has trouble with social cues, he had no idea that she was making fun of him and treating him poorly.
I tried to distract him and suggested that we go for a walk, or get a drink of water, but he kept saying that he was having fun playing with the little girls.
I hate, hate, hate seeing my children hurt. However, seeing him being hurt and him NOT knowing was absolutely devastating to me.
I was able to keep from crying while there, but later I broke down in tears.
He wasn't hurt. I was. What can I do to protect my baby from these things? He's going to be homeschooled, so I know he will be in a safe, loving environment for his education. But what about the rest of it? What about sending him to classes, sports, birthday parties?
It is likely that this has something to do with hormones. I'll probably laugh at myself in the morning. But for now, I think I'm going to go cuddle up next to my little man and cry a few silent tears for his innocence.
My little guy was trying to play with some little girls, and one of them was so mean to him. Being that he has trouble with social cues, he had no idea that she was making fun of him and treating him poorly.
I tried to distract him and suggested that we go for a walk, or get a drink of water, but he kept saying that he was having fun playing with the little girls.
I hate, hate, hate seeing my children hurt. However, seeing him being hurt and him NOT knowing was absolutely devastating to me.
I was able to keep from crying while there, but later I broke down in tears.
He wasn't hurt. I was. What can I do to protect my baby from these things? He's going to be homeschooled, so I know he will be in a safe, loving environment for his education. But what about the rest of it? What about sending him to classes, sports, birthday parties?
It is likely that this has something to do with hormones. I'll probably laugh at myself in the morning. But for now, I think I'm going to go cuddle up next to my little man and cry a few silent tears for his innocence.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Where The Girls Live
Tonight at bed time, my son began to giggle. I asked him what was so funny and he replied that he was thinking about "all the girls that he'll be kissing!"
Apparently, after further questioning, I found that these girls live in "Girl Town" and they like him.
Oh My.
And in other news, my hCG level is steadily dropping. Finally. There was some concern that it was staying too level and that I wasn't going to be able to complete the miscarriage at home.
I have absolutely no desire to have a D&C. (Not that anyone wants to!!) But I've been out of commission long enough!
Oh, and my house has been over run by Girl Scout cookies. Pictures will follow soon.
Apparently, after further questioning, I found that these girls live in "Girl Town" and they like him.
Oh My.
And in other news, my hCG level is steadily dropping. Finally. There was some concern that it was staying too level and that I wasn't going to be able to complete the miscarriage at home.
I have absolutely no desire to have a D&C. (Not that anyone wants to!!) But I've been out of commission long enough!
Oh, and my house has been over run by Girl Scout cookies. Pictures will follow soon.
Monday, March 2, 2009
On God
*The following blog post if full of bitterness, anger and self-deprecating humor. It may produce mental images not suitable for your mother. A rant about religion will also be contained within this post. Anyone who doesn't like it should just stop reading it. Nasty comments will be deleted whilst stabbing my troll voodoo doll.
Something has been bouncing around my head for the past few days. Ever since I received an email offering condolences in regards to my miscarriage.
First of all, how this person found out about my pregnancy still eludes me. I sure as hell didn't tell her. I have a feeling that a certain sibling of my husband's decided to notify all of the free world about my 'condition' and now she is having to remember exactly who she told so the information can be retracted.
The problem with telling our far-fetching relations is that now they each have a very vivid mental image of what is going on in my uterus. Or rather, what isn't going on in my uterus.
But I digress.
This person waxed poetic about our predicament and then enthusiastically reminded me just how much fun trying is! Cause, ya know, wooo hooo, that's on the top of my list right now.
Furthermore, she dispenced this little gem of knowledge: God must have needed my baby in heaven, and that is why "he" took "it" from me.
Hmmm. Really? God needed a sightless, limbless hunk of flesh the size of a grain of rice? Are you serious?
That sounds harsh. I understand that. I know that many, many people rejoice in the belief that their loved ones are going to a better place, to be with some higher being.
However, I am not one of those people. I do not find comfort in putting the events of my life into the hands of my religion. The explanations offered by holy books, people and religious doctrine do not alleviate the pain I feel.
I believe that my baby wouldn't have survived otherwise and my body knew this. Hence my slowly diminishing gestational sac. I know that my baby was a living thing and that for some reason, it died. I believe what is happening within my body is natural and not something that was predestined by a deity.
I may be wrong. I may come to the end of my days and find that there is a wonderful, all knowing, loving being standing on the other side of the pearly gates waiting to absolve me of all my sins.
Until then, I will rely on those thing which I can see, study and explain. It might not be for everyone, but it's what will help me sleep tonight.
Something has been bouncing around my head for the past few days. Ever since I received an email offering condolences in regards to my miscarriage.
First of all, how this person found out about my pregnancy still eludes me. I sure as hell didn't tell her. I have a feeling that a certain sibling of my husband's decided to notify all of the free world about my 'condition' and now she is having to remember exactly who she told so the information can be retracted.
The problem with telling our far-fetching relations is that now they each have a very vivid mental image of what is going on in my uterus. Or rather, what isn't going on in my uterus.
But I digress.
This person waxed poetic about our predicament and then enthusiastically reminded me just how much fun trying is! Cause, ya know, wooo hooo, that's on the top of my list right now.
Furthermore, she dispenced this little gem of knowledge: God must have needed my baby in heaven, and that is why "he" took "it" from me.
Hmmm. Really? God needed a sightless, limbless hunk of flesh the size of a grain of rice? Are you serious?
That sounds harsh. I understand that. I know that many, many people rejoice in the belief that their loved ones are going to a better place, to be with some higher being.
However, I am not one of those people. I do not find comfort in putting the events of my life into the hands of my religion. The explanations offered by holy books, people and religious doctrine do not alleviate the pain I feel.
I believe that my baby wouldn't have survived otherwise and my body knew this. Hence my slowly diminishing gestational sac. I know that my baby was a living thing and that for some reason, it died. I believe what is happening within my body is natural and not something that was predestined by a deity.
I may be wrong. I may come to the end of my days and find that there is a wonderful, all knowing, loving being standing on the other side of the pearly gates waiting to absolve me of all my sins.
Until then, I will rely on those thing which I can see, study and explain. It might not be for everyone, but it's what will help me sleep tonight.
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