On God

*The following blog post if full of bitterness, anger and self-deprecating humor. It may produce mental images not suitable for your mother. A rant about religion will also be contained within this post. Anyone who doesn't like it should just stop reading it. Nasty comments will be deleted whilst stabbing my troll voodoo doll.

Something has been bouncing around my head for the past few days. Ever since I received an email offering condolences in regards to my miscarriage.

First of all, how this person found out about my pregnancy still eludes me. I sure as hell didn't tell her. I have a feeling that a certain sibling of my husband's decided to notify all of the free world about my 'condition' and now she is having to remember exactly who she told so the information can be retracted.

The problem with telling our far-fetching relations is that now they each have a very vivid mental image of what is going on in my uterus. Or rather, what isn't going on in my uterus.

But I digress.

This person waxed poetic about our predicament and then enthusiastically reminded me just how much fun trying is! Cause, ya know, wooo hooo, that's on the top of my list right now.

Furthermore, she dispenced this little gem of knowledge: God must have needed my baby in heaven, and that is why "he" took "it" from me.

Hmmm. Really? God needed a sightless, limbless hunk of flesh the size of a grain of rice? Are you serious?

That sounds harsh. I understand that. I know that many, many people rejoice in the belief that their loved ones are going to a better place, to be with some higher being.

However, I am not one of those people. I do not find comfort in putting the events of my life into the hands of my religion. The explanations offered by holy books, people and religious doctrine do not alleviate the pain I feel.

I believe that my baby wouldn't have survived otherwise and my body knew this. Hence my slowly diminishing gestational sac. I know that my baby was a living thing and that for some reason, it died. I believe what is happening within my body is natural and not something that was predestined by a deity.

I may be wrong. I may come to the end of my days and find that there is a wonderful, all knowing, loving being standing on the other side of the pearly gates waiting to absolve me of all my sins.

Until then, I will rely on those thing which I can see, study and explain. It might not be for everyone, but it's what will help me sleep tonight.