Who are you and what have you done with me?

I suggested to my husband that we purchase a Wii.

Whaaaaa?

That is so totally not like me.

Needless to say, I'm laying here on the couch watching my family set up their "mii's".

What the horkin-hayballs got into me?

*Updated to add that my husband is jokingly saying that he now needs to ice his shoulder because he hurt himself playing baseball on the Wii.

Weak

My husband pulled our daughter's tooth tonight.

And I passed out.

Well, not completely out. Just couldn't hear, my vision went black, knees were weak and I nearly puked.

I really don't know why it happens. I was blaming it on my pregnancy since the first two times this happened, I was early in the pregnancy.

The first time it happened was when she split her lip and her chin on the window sill. The second time occurred with the pulling of the first baby tooth. And now this.

My guess is that I am a serious weakling when it comes to my children bleeding.

This is ridiculous. What if something happens to one of them while my husband is at work? I can just see it, my daughter will have to call 911 for me because I passed out and hit my head.

I'm so weak.

I think I need to do some mind strengthening just in case.

Yep, it's the Thin Mints. My god I could eat those all day, everyday.

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I had a dream last night that NASA randomly called me up and needed me on a mission. The entire thing was so bizarre.

My daughter just told me that she had a dream about red bees.

It must have been the night for weird dreams.

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We are off to visit family in the south today. I am entirely not thrilled, but mainly because of the drive.

I made the executive decision that we would drive down today and return tomorrow evening. A decision that my husband was quick to agree with.

Sunday will be a lovely day. Nothing but laying around reading, drinking coffee and relaxing.

(Now that I've said that, it will probably be insanely busy. But, whatever.)

Death of Me

We often have 'junk' food in our house. The grandparents, especially my husband's mother, send us home with little goody bags all the time.

Having it doesn't mean that we eat it.

More often than not, I put the stuff in a drawer and forget about it until weeks, sometimes months pass.

Then, I just end up throwing it all away.

As a matter of fact, yesterday I just threw away Halloween candy.

We don't buy candy, cookies, etc. from the store. I rarely make cookies at home (just threw away a batch of chocolate chip cookies I made 4 weeks ago that were fermenting in the cookie jar).

However, there is one thing I cannot have in the house, lest I eat excessive quantities. And much to my chagrin, we have an abundance of this every thing in the house right now....


Guess which ones are my favorite?

Finally, my hCG count is negative. Apparently that means it is less than 10.

We've decided to wait until after my birthday (7/19) to try again. There are many reasons. Most of them sound stupid, except to me.

I listened to The President speak this evening. He said that he waited to make a statement about the AIG bonuses until he knew what he was talking about.

That's something we could all use to learn. Don't speak on a subject until you know what the hell you are talking about.

I think I'm in love with the man.

And now I'm going to sleep.

I feel surrounded by death right now. It is everywhere, even inside me.

I'm feeling crushed by the weight of everyone's mortality.

Today, I heard a story about a young child dying unexpectedly. I nearly had a panic attack.

This evening, I attended the calling hours of an acquaintance from high school. He was barely 30. He battled three separate, devastating cancers for 5 years. Each time he thought he had won his battle, another war was just beginning. I could barely make it through talking to his mother.

Tomorrow afternoon, my friend is going in to have surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid tumor. She waited so long to have it looked at and they fear it has now spread. I can't look her in the eye right now because I'm afraid of what I may see.

My dad's colon cancer has likely returned, only they can't find where it is. Knowing this rocks my very core.

My baby died for whatever reason two weeks ago. Technically, I gave birth some time this weekend to a child I will never know.

I think I just need time to get over all the bad stuff that has happened lately. One or two things at a time I can handle. But this is getting to be a little ridiculous.

Part of me wants to think about it and analyze what I am feeling. On the other hand sometimes I fear if I think about it I might collapse under the weight of it all.

Also, to add to my neurosis, sometimes I feel like I am jinxing myself with my fears. If I think about what something would be like, for example losing my husband or my children, I fear that by simply thinking about it I may bring it upon myself.

I've lived this way for all my life. I know it is irrational. But with all the horrible things happening right now, I feel like I should just put myself into a drug induced stupor for the time being.

I'm always the one to say "It will be alright. You can get through this."

I just need to remember that right now.

Going Down on Me

It's official... My hCG was 95.

That's a huge drop since last Thursday and confirms that this pregnancy is over. And, as expected, it is a huge relief.

Now I can focus on my life again and start planning for the next attempt at our Trifecta. ;)