Death of Me

We often have 'junk' food in our house. The grandparents, especially my husband's mother, send us home with little goody bags all the time.

Having it doesn't mean that we eat it.

More often than not, I put the stuff in a drawer and forget about it until weeks, sometimes months pass.

Then, I just end up throwing it all away.

As a matter of fact, yesterday I just threw away Halloween candy.

We don't buy candy, cookies, etc. from the store. I rarely make cookies at home (just threw away a batch of chocolate chip cookies I made 4 weeks ago that were fermenting in the cookie jar).

However, there is one thing I cannot have in the house, lest I eat excessive quantities. And much to my chagrin, we have an abundance of this every thing in the house right now....


Guess which ones are my favorite?

I feel surrounded by death right now. It is everywhere, even inside me.

I'm feeling crushed by the weight of everyone's mortality.

Today, I heard a story about a young child dying unexpectedly. I nearly had a panic attack.

This evening, I attended the calling hours of an acquaintance from high school. He was barely 30. He battled three separate, devastating cancers for 5 years. Each time he thought he had won his battle, another war was just beginning. I could barely make it through talking to his mother.

Tomorrow afternoon, my friend is going in to have surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid tumor. She waited so long to have it looked at and they fear it has now spread. I can't look her in the eye right now because I'm afraid of what I may see.

My dad's colon cancer has likely returned, only they can't find where it is. Knowing this rocks my very core.

My baby died for whatever reason two weeks ago. Technically, I gave birth some time this weekend to a child I will never know.

I think I just need time to get over all the bad stuff that has happened lately. One or two things at a time I can handle. But this is getting to be a little ridiculous.

Part of me wants to think about it and analyze what I am feeling. On the other hand sometimes I fear if I think about it I might collapse under the weight of it all.

Also, to add to my neurosis, sometimes I feel like I am jinxing myself with my fears. If I think about what something would be like, for example losing my husband or my children, I fear that by simply thinking about it I may bring it upon myself.

I've lived this way for all my life. I know it is irrational. But with all the horrible things happening right now, I feel like I should just put myself into a drug induced stupor for the time being.

I'm always the one to say "It will be alright. You can get through this."

I just need to remember that right now.

Some how, miraculously, my body (with the help of this fine medication), did it's job.

And today, I've stopped bleeding. Is it possible? It's been 19 days. I was fairly certain it would never end.

Now I can go back to worrying about important things, like the 72 loads of laundry in my basement. Or the dirty dishes from last week. Oh, and the bills that were due yesterday.

(*Really there's about 11 loads of laundry, dishes from Sunday, and the bills aren't due until today. I'm not THAT much of a slacker ;)

Perhaps I'll even do some school work today with my kids. Right now they are running around the house (narrowly avoiding the dust bunnies and dirty laundry), still in their jammies (yes, it's after 12), yelling "Friends forever never transform!" and blowing a train whistle.

That's educational right?

I had an experience this morning that has left me heartbroken and near tears most of the day.

My little guy was trying to play with some little girls, and one of them was so mean to him. Being that he has trouble with social cues, he had no idea that she was making fun of him and treating him poorly.

I tried to distract him and suggested that we go for a walk, or get a drink of water, but he kept saying that he was having fun playing with the little girls.

I hate, hate, hate seeing my children hurt. However, seeing him being hurt and him NOT knowing was absolutely devastating to me.

I was able to keep from crying while there, but later I broke down in tears.

He wasn't hurt. I was. What can I do to protect my baby from these things? He's going to be homeschooled, so I know he will be in a safe, loving environment for his education. But what about the rest of it? What about sending him to classes, sports, birthday parties?

It is likely that this has something to do with hormones. I'll probably laugh at myself in the morning. But for now, I think I'm going to go cuddle up next to my little man and cry a few silent tears for his innocence.

On God

*The following blog post if full of bitterness, anger and self-deprecating humor. It may produce mental images not suitable for your mother. A rant about religion will also be contained within this post. Anyone who doesn't like it should just stop reading it. Nasty comments will be deleted whilst stabbing my troll voodoo doll.

Something has been bouncing around my head for the past few days. Ever since I received an email offering condolences in regards to my miscarriage.

First of all, how this person found out about my pregnancy still eludes me. I sure as hell didn't tell her. I have a feeling that a certain sibling of my husband's decided to notify all of the free world about my 'condition' and now she is having to remember exactly who she told so the information can be retracted.

The problem with telling our far-fetching relations is that now they each have a very vivid mental image of what is going on in my uterus. Or rather, what isn't going on in my uterus.

But I digress.

This person waxed poetic about our predicament and then enthusiastically reminded me just how much fun trying is! Cause, ya know, wooo hooo, that's on the top of my list right now.

Furthermore, she dispenced this little gem of knowledge: God must have needed my baby in heaven, and that is why "he" took "it" from me.

Hmmm. Really? God needed a sightless, limbless hunk of flesh the size of a grain of rice? Are you serious?

That sounds harsh. I understand that. I know that many, many people rejoice in the belief that their loved ones are going to a better place, to be with some higher being.

However, I am not one of those people. I do not find comfort in putting the events of my life into the hands of my religion. The explanations offered by holy books, people and religious doctrine do not alleviate the pain I feel.

I believe that my baby wouldn't have survived otherwise and my body knew this. Hence my slowly diminishing gestational sac. I know that my baby was a living thing and that for some reason, it died. I believe what is happening within my body is natural and not something that was predestined by a deity.

I may be wrong. I may come to the end of my days and find that there is a wonderful, all knowing, loving being standing on the other side of the pearly gates waiting to absolve me of all my sins.

Until then, I will rely on those thing which I can see, study and explain. It might not be for everyone, but it's what will help me sleep tonight.

I did ok until the doctor came into the room to tell me there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it. He was so kind and understanding. Offered me drugs for the pain and such.

"It" was supposed to be the punctuation to our family. The exclamation point.

Now I just have a big question mark and a whole lot of tears.

I lost my baby.

Worked Up Feeling

I have been feeling overwhelmed and anxious the past week or so. I'm not sure why. Part of me wonders if it is the pregnancy, just my body adjusting to what is going on.

But a little part of me worries that it's that impending doom feeling.

I don't know what is going on.

But now I sit an watch our President address Congress. I think this will make me feel much better. :)

Seriously though, what the hell is Nancy Pelosi wearing? My beloved says that it's a Snuggie. I think I just peed a little in my pants.

Floaters

So I found this weird widget for counting down the pregnancy that looks like the baby is floating in a bubble.

It lets you input how many fetuses (feti?) you are expecting and then it puts them all in the bubble. I said 32, 10, 800 and 2.

Really there's just one. Well, that's what I expect. But we'll deal with that bridge when we come to it.

Right now my fetus looks like a strange adaptation of a parasite and a tumor and it keeps bouncing off the bottom of the bubble like it has just forgotten how to swim or someone accidentally dropped it.

It's oddly fascinating and slightly disturbing. And I am completely mesmerized by it right now.

I started a whiny, bitchy post, but realized that it didn't really make me feel any better. So I deleted it.

It's Monday, which means it's me and the kiddos all day and half the night while my beloved is off at work and then at class. The good news is he will bring me home some fattening, greasy food. So I guess it makes it all worth it.

Today we created the solar system in our hallway. Now my daughter is creating a puppet show, complete with a script that she is having me type up, that she will present to her daddy in a couple of days. Once she finishes the script, I'll post a couple of the good lines here because she always comes up with the greatest stuff.

I took some pictures of the planets, but they turned out rather badly. It is very cool to look down the hall and see our representations of the Sun, Jupiter, the Asteroid Belt, etc.

Now, I must go rest. The one thing I have noticed about this pregnancy is that it is totally exhausting. I don't remember being this tired the first two times. I slept for 16 hours Sunday. SIXTEEN. That is ridiculous. Even had to miss a Girl Scout event with my daughter because I just couldn't do it. Dang.

I did make cookies with her last night, so hopefully that made up for it! :)

Monday Madness

(Taken during the ice storm 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure why, but blogger turned it sideways. The limb was pointing to the left, not up!)


It seems to me that Mondays are always the roughest day of the week.

We have a fairly light schedule on Mondays, but my husband is gone for long hours and it makes the day seem to drag on forever.

But I accomplished quite a bit:

• Laundry (Will it ever end?)
• Watched my friend's kids for several hours while she went to the doctor
• Made Valentines with said children, plus my own
• Called my phone company and chewed them out (always a good time)
• Tried to cancel an old account (and failed. FYI, I will not fax my drivers license to you for verification of my identity. Mmmmk?)
• Mailed 2 thank you notes, 3 birthday cards and a rebate form
• Balanced my check book
• Planned out the next 2 weeks expenses
• Called around for space for our homeschool group (Yes, we are not-for-profit. Duh!)
• Dealt with some Girl Scout stuff
• Played computer games with a handsome little guy (yep, he belongs to me!)
• Took one very cute little girl to violin lessons (yes, she belongs to me)
• Read a chapter in my book
• Dishes
• And now I am preparing to listen to President Obama address the nation (I can't wait!)

And you?

The Truth

My name is Melissa and these are all the things I wish I could tell people in my life:

1. Sometimes I am ashamed to admit my son's disabilities because he often seems so normal and I fear people think that I am just trying to get attention. But then there are other times when everything falls apart and I just want to cry for the life that my little boy will never have.

2. I can't discuss grown up topics (you know what I mean!) with my daughter without giggling. And neither can she. So I guess we're just two peas in a very immature pod!

3. We are trying to get pregnant again, despite the grief we know our friends and family will give us. We are meant to have children. This will be our last. I am so excited I can barely contain myself.

4. I fear I am drifting from my best friend and it is my fault. I know it is my fault. Our religious beliefs have come between us and I have a hard time dealing with her son. I guess sometimes the truth hurts.

5. I'm terrified of being so honest here, but I know it is what I need in my life right now.