Finally, my hCG count is negative. Apparently that means it is less than 10.

We've decided to wait until after my birthday (7/19) to try again. There are many reasons. Most of them sound stupid, except to me.

I listened to The President speak this evening. He said that he waited to make a statement about the AIG bonuses until he knew what he was talking about.

That's something we could all use to learn. Don't speak on a subject until you know what the hell you are talking about.

I think I'm in love with the man.

And now I'm going to sleep.

I feel surrounded by death right now. It is everywhere, even inside me.

I'm feeling crushed by the weight of everyone's mortality.

Today, I heard a story about a young child dying unexpectedly. I nearly had a panic attack.

This evening, I attended the calling hours of an acquaintance from high school. He was barely 30. He battled three separate, devastating cancers for 5 years. Each time he thought he had won his battle, another war was just beginning. I could barely make it through talking to his mother.

Tomorrow afternoon, my friend is going in to have surgery to remove a cancerous thyroid tumor. She waited so long to have it looked at and they fear it has now spread. I can't look her in the eye right now because I'm afraid of what I may see.

My dad's colon cancer has likely returned, only they can't find where it is. Knowing this rocks my very core.

My baby died for whatever reason two weeks ago. Technically, I gave birth some time this weekend to a child I will never know.

I think I just need time to get over all the bad stuff that has happened lately. One or two things at a time I can handle. But this is getting to be a little ridiculous.

Part of me wants to think about it and analyze what I am feeling. On the other hand sometimes I fear if I think about it I might collapse under the weight of it all.

Also, to add to my neurosis, sometimes I feel like I am jinxing myself with my fears. If I think about what something would be like, for example losing my husband or my children, I fear that by simply thinking about it I may bring it upon myself.

I've lived this way for all my life. I know it is irrational. But with all the horrible things happening right now, I feel like I should just put myself into a drug induced stupor for the time being.

I'm always the one to say "It will be alright. You can get through this."

I just need to remember that right now.

Going Down on Me

It's official... My hCG was 95.

That's a huge drop since last Thursday and confirms that this pregnancy is over. And, as expected, it is a huge relief.

Now I can focus on my life again and start planning for the next attempt at our Trifecta. ;)

A Kick In The Nuts (Alternate Title: The Toxic Avenger Lives In My Uterus)

*I'm freaking tired of talking about my miscarriage. I feel like a whiny bitch. Really, I just want to get on with my life and stop bleeding like I've been stabbed in my girly parts.

**This is going to get graphic.


***You've been warned.

I had another blood draw yesterday to check my hCG levels.

Recap, for those just joining this story:
ER 2/27: 960
3/2: 914 (gestational sac measuring 4mm.)
3/5: 619

This afternoon, the doctor's office called.

Nurse: Melissa? This is Angela from Dr. Good Guy's office. Just wanted to let you know that your levels have dropped to 849 and you just have to come in next Thursday for another blood draw.

Me: Uhhhhhhh. Last week my level was 619. So, it's gone up. Now down.

Nurse: No, I'm looking though the lab results and see that .... Oh... Uh... Hmm.... Oooookay, let me call the doctor and call you right back.

Fan-freaking-tabulous.

10 minutes later:

Nurse: Dr. Good Guy wants you to come into the office as soon as you can.

Me: I'll be there within the hour.

(Nevermind that I had to take a shower because no self respecting woman is going to go the OB/GYN with girly bits that haven't been washed in the past 12 hours. Furthermore, I have to drive all the way downtown to pick my husband up from work so he could be with the kids since the last thing a 6 year old and 4 year old need to see is their mother splayed out on an exam table with... Well, you get the picture.)

Doctor Good Guy: I just can't get rid of you can I?

Me: No, I like to be difficult!

DGG: Wow. You're bleeding.

Me: Really? I hadn't noticed.

DGG: Let's take a look. (Insert ultrasound probe (that I absolutely DID NOT play with while waiting for the doctor. Nope not me.)) See, the sac is still there. It's sitting right on top of your cervix.

Me: It looks bigger than last week.

DGG: Nah, it's probably just the magnification. It's... well, yeah, it has nearly doubled since last week.

Me: Nah nah nah boo boo! I told you!! (OK, I didn't really do that, but I said it in my head.)

(Here it gets pretty ugly. You've been warned)

DGG pulls ultrasound probe out and blood goes spraying all over me, the exam table, the carpet and the doctor.

DGG: The nurses hate when I do that.

Me: Um... sorry?

DGG: It's ok. It happens.

Me: Yeah, but not to me. You're going to get tired of seeing me, you know?

DGG: No. You're refreshingly pleasent.

Me: Under the circumstances, I'll take that as a compliment!


The plan of action is as follows: I am to take misoprostol for the next 16 hours and hope that it promotes uterine contractions and expels the thing that is currently riding my cervix like a wild bronco.

On Monday morning, I am scheduled for an ultrasound and blood work. If the ultrasound still shows parasitic life chillin' in my ute, I will be taken right over to the hospital for a D&C.

According to my mother, I am repressing my emotions and will need psychiatric care after this is all said and done.

According to me, because, you know, I am pretty aware of myself, I am doing pretty well. Annoyed as shit that my uterus and cervix continue to revolt against me. Although, I should have figured that things wouldn't go smoothing since, for me, they rarely do.

Hopefully this will be relatively easy. I have a pretty busy weekend planned, although most everything can be postponed or skipped althougher.

If not, I'll deal. Because there really isn't any other option.

Either way, me, my misoprostol and my vicodin are going to be chillin' here on the couch.

I had an experience this morning that has left me heartbroken and near tears most of the day.

My little guy was trying to play with some little girls, and one of them was so mean to him. Being that he has trouble with social cues, he had no idea that she was making fun of him and treating him poorly.

I tried to distract him and suggested that we go for a walk, or get a drink of water, but he kept saying that he was having fun playing with the little girls.

I hate, hate, hate seeing my children hurt. However, seeing him being hurt and him NOT knowing was absolutely devastating to me.

I was able to keep from crying while there, but later I broke down in tears.

He wasn't hurt. I was. What can I do to protect my baby from these things? He's going to be homeschooled, so I know he will be in a safe, loving environment for his education. But what about the rest of it? What about sending him to classes, sports, birthday parties?

It is likely that this has something to do with hormones. I'll probably laugh at myself in the morning. But for now, I think I'm going to go cuddle up next to my little man and cry a few silent tears for his innocence.

Where The Girls Live

Tonight at bed time, my son began to giggle. I asked him what was so funny and he replied that he was thinking about "all the girls that he'll be kissing!"

Apparently, after further questioning, I found that these girls live in "Girl Town" and they like him.

Oh My.

And in other news, my hCG level is steadily dropping. Finally. There was some concern that it was staying too level and that I wasn't going to be able to complete the miscarriage at home.

I have absolutely no desire to have a D&C. (Not that anyone wants to!!) But I've been out of commission long enough!

Oh, and my house has been over run by Girl Scout cookies. Pictures will follow soon.

On God

*The following blog post if full of bitterness, anger and self-deprecating humor. It may produce mental images not suitable for your mother. A rant about religion will also be contained within this post. Anyone who doesn't like it should just stop reading it. Nasty comments will be deleted whilst stabbing my troll voodoo doll.

Something has been bouncing around my head for the past few days. Ever since I received an email offering condolences in regards to my miscarriage.

First of all, how this person found out about my pregnancy still eludes me. I sure as hell didn't tell her. I have a feeling that a certain sibling of my husband's decided to notify all of the free world about my 'condition' and now she is having to remember exactly who she told so the information can be retracted.

The problem with telling our far-fetching relations is that now they each have a very vivid mental image of what is going on in my uterus. Or rather, what isn't going on in my uterus.

But I digress.

This person waxed poetic about our predicament and then enthusiastically reminded me just how much fun trying is! Cause, ya know, wooo hooo, that's on the top of my list right now.

Furthermore, she dispenced this little gem of knowledge: God must have needed my baby in heaven, and that is why "he" took "it" from me.

Hmmm. Really? God needed a sightless, limbless hunk of flesh the size of a grain of rice? Are you serious?

That sounds harsh. I understand that. I know that many, many people rejoice in the belief that their loved ones are going to a better place, to be with some higher being.

However, I am not one of those people. I do not find comfort in putting the events of my life into the hands of my religion. The explanations offered by holy books, people and religious doctrine do not alleviate the pain I feel.

I believe that my baby wouldn't have survived otherwise and my body knew this. Hence my slowly diminishing gestational sac. I know that my baby was a living thing and that for some reason, it died. I believe what is happening within my body is natural and not something that was predestined by a deity.

I may be wrong. I may come to the end of my days and find that there is a wonderful, all knowing, loving being standing on the other side of the pearly gates waiting to absolve me of all my sins.

Until then, I will rely on those thing which I can see, study and explain. It might not be for everyone, but it's what will help me sleep tonight.

I did ok until the doctor came into the room to tell me there wasn't anything I could have done to prevent it. He was so kind and understanding. Offered me drugs for the pain and such.

"It" was supposed to be the punctuation to our family. The exclamation point.

Now I just have a big question mark and a whole lot of tears.

I lost my baby.

Worked Up Feeling

I have been feeling overwhelmed and anxious the past week or so. I'm not sure why. Part of me wonders if it is the pregnancy, just my body adjusting to what is going on.

But a little part of me worries that it's that impending doom feeling.

I don't know what is going on.

But now I sit an watch our President address Congress. I think this will make me feel much better. :)

Seriously though, what the hell is Nancy Pelosi wearing? My beloved says that it's a Snuggie. I think I just peed a little in my pants.

I started a whiny, bitchy post, but realized that it didn't really make me feel any better. So I deleted it.

It's Monday, which means it's me and the kiddos all day and half the night while my beloved is off at work and then at class. The good news is he will bring me home some fattening, greasy food. So I guess it makes it all worth it.

Today we created the solar system in our hallway. Now my daughter is creating a puppet show, complete with a script that she is having me type up, that she will present to her daddy in a couple of days. Once she finishes the script, I'll post a couple of the good lines here because she always comes up with the greatest stuff.

I took some pictures of the planets, but they turned out rather badly. It is very cool to look down the hall and see our representations of the Sun, Jupiter, the Asteroid Belt, etc.

Now, I must go rest. The one thing I have noticed about this pregnancy is that it is totally exhausting. I don't remember being this tired the first two times. I slept for 16 hours Sunday. SIXTEEN. That is ridiculous. Even had to miss a Girl Scout event with my daughter because I just couldn't do it. Dang.

I did make cookies with her last night, so hopefully that made up for it! :)

Monday Madness

(Taken during the ice storm 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure why, but blogger turned it sideways. The limb was pointing to the left, not up!)


It seems to me that Mondays are always the roughest day of the week.

We have a fairly light schedule on Mondays, but my husband is gone for long hours and it makes the day seem to drag on forever.

But I accomplished quite a bit:

• Laundry (Will it ever end?)
• Watched my friend's kids for several hours while she went to the doctor
• Made Valentines with said children, plus my own
• Called my phone company and chewed them out (always a good time)
• Tried to cancel an old account (and failed. FYI, I will not fax my drivers license to you for verification of my identity. Mmmmk?)
• Mailed 2 thank you notes, 3 birthday cards and a rebate form
• Balanced my check book
• Planned out the next 2 weeks expenses
• Called around for space for our homeschool group (Yes, we are not-for-profit. Duh!)
• Dealt with some Girl Scout stuff
• Played computer games with a handsome little guy (yep, he belongs to me!)
• Took one very cute little girl to violin lessons (yes, she belongs to me)
• Read a chapter in my book
• Dishes
• And now I am preparing to listen to President Obama address the nation (I can't wait!)

And you?

Stunned

This was one of those days.

I found out that my best friend has cancer.

I am shocked. It is highly treatable (dare I say curable), but still it was completely unexpected.

I have dealt with cancer in several people close to me in the recent years. The shock and numbness that comes with hearing of the diagnosis never fades.

I am looking forward to seeing this again..
Today I...

• Got up (Yes, that counts. It takes a lot for me to get out of bed every morning)
• Balanced the check book
• Got dressed (This counts too. Some days I don't bother.)
• Went grocery shopping
• Made lunch
• Did multiple loads of laundry (some day I'm going to do a post about laundry in my household.)
• Got the dish washer loaded, ran, emptied, reloaded and run again
• Cooked dinner
• Did math and science with my oldest
• Made brownies for my kids (OK, really I made them for me. But who's really paying that close attention?)
• Gave two baths
• Did some more laundry
• Took the dog out 5 or 6 times
• Washed my counters
• Cleaned out the refrigerator
• Took care of one busted lip that did NOT require stitches yesterday
• And probably much more that I just can't remember right now.

Now I am drinking a glass of wine.

So, what did you do today?

Cultural Awareness

Reading through my favorite blogs this morning, I was intrigued by this press release, referenced by The New Unschooler.

The quote she referenced hit a cord with me.

"It is vital for children educated in
homeschooling environments to be
exposed to different cultures and to
learn to accept people for who they are,
despite cultural differences."

I completely agree with her assessment of the press release, and I felt I had to add my own thoughts.

If my children went to public school they would spend their days with children just like them. White, middle-class, marginally privileged children.

If they went to the local private or parochial schools it would be even worse. More segregated. Less exposure to people different from themselves. I should know, I went to one of those parochial schools.

As I recall the information I learned about different cultures came from reading, documentaries, news programs and eventually, college courses.

Never was I required to take a class on cultures of the world. Teachers never had time to elaborate upon what little cultural information they gave.

Yet, my children, who are out in the world every day, learning from the world around them, are constantly subjected to new people, ideas and cultures.

I spend a great deal of my 'schooling' day (and a good bit of the 'rest of the day') explaining differences, discussing inequality and repression and teaching tolerance and respect.

Obviously, I agree with the press release in their assessment. Children do need exposure. Children need to learn about others.

I believe that their intentions were good. I understand what they were trying to impress upon readers. I think that it was just poorly worded and organizations attempting to cater to homeschoolers need to understand their audience a little better.

Rarely is it a homeschoolers intention to bring their child home to shelter or exclude them from real world learning. Rather, homeschooling is done in an attempt to expose our children to a broader range of lessons and realities.

Homeschooling does not mean schooling at home, as it once did. For most families, my own included, homeschooling means being educated outside of the classroom, in the world. What better way to learn about cultural tolerance than to actually participate in the world around us?

(It should go without saying that I have a great amount of respect for teachers and administrators in the school system. They do what they can, with the resources provided to them and within the context of what they are allowed to (and have the time to) teach.)

Flake

It amazes me that some-
thing this unique and perfect can wreak such havoc.

We were without power for several days a few months ago. Fortunately, it was in the 65-75 degree range and we were relatively comfortable.

However, there are thousands without power right now in our area and I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for them. It is so cold and dark. I hope that people have generators, family or friends to stay with, or the means to get to a hotel. Otherwise, it is going to be a brutal few days.